I feel so unwanted

I feel so stupid in my guild right now...
The main person I hang out with in the game...
He wants back in the guild..
He keeps asking the guild leader, but the guild leader doesn't want him
Black guild hops too much..
The guild leader doesn't want a guild hopper
I didn't think he would want him either, I told him that
But he goes and PMs him anyways...
And then it's me that they ask, "Why is he PM me?"
"He doesn't want back in the guild again does he?"
"Who told him to PM me?"
>.>;;
I just didn't want Black to tell me to ask again
So I am still left feeling stupid
And like I am useless and ::sigh::
I just feel like I am on the chopping block wondering why there is a crowd around me >.>
I am just afraid that one day I am going to log onto my characters and find them kicked out
of the guild...
And I know I would be left crying
because I love being in this guild,
And I love the ppl in it
They are all so nice and wonderful ^-^
But I am afraid that the guild leader doesn't like me...
Raxx says that Vader is paranoid about my relationship with Black
I think he is worried that I might be feeding off information
I would never do that purposefully >.<
I do really like this guild
And Vader is hilarious some days
I don't know...
I guess I am just so insecure ...
Raxx said he would make sure that I would never be kicked...
But what if he can't convince him...
If I do ever get kicked I think I would be devastated...
I don't think I would want to be in a guild ever again ;___;
.....
I don't think he will
I think I am being paranoid
and over sensitive
I guess it hurts when you are ignored half the time...
but then who knows
Maybe I'm not being paranoid
and the guild leader doesn't like me
I think I am going to back off on the jokes...
Maybe they are annoying...
I don't know
there is something wrong with me
That I am so insecure..
I guess I am so in need of being liked
And considered a good person, a good player...
It sucks too cause right now
you can't be "Emo"
i.e. be upset or emotional about ANYthing...
So asking about whether the guild leader is ok with you, big no no
Talking about how you feel >.>
Don't think about it
Just be happy, don't talk about anything important
and you are good to go /no1
It really is a good guild...
I think I am just being over sensitive
I tend to do that >.>

Oh well

Want Everything All To Myself

I want my newborn's love all to myself
I was so proud and happy that he only cooed and smiled at me ^_^
Then he was doing it for my sister in law...
I felt so jealous, so I started to keep him to myself more...
I wanted to pick him up..
I wanted him to love only me ...
The twins don't love me, they don't care if I am around...
I felt I should have the baby's love all to myself...
Now he even cooes at my husband...
Makes me want to cry...
He is supposed to be all mine...
He is only supposed to want me...
He is supposed to rely on only me...

I am so needy for that love, I want to run away with him and keep him all to myself
I just want someone who NEEDS me, and who, if I wasn't there would not do well..
Man that sounds so weird and twisted >.<;;
I feel so useless so I cling to what little a role I can have... >.<;;

I Feel So Weak

Why do I get upset over such stupid stuff!
I want to be tougher...
I want to be thick skinned
Why do I get hurt so easily by words
Makes me want to cry
I shouldn't feel this way...
Why do I cry over such stupid things...
Over such stupid words...
Is it me being oversensitive
Or them being jerks...

I just want to curl up and die some days...
Other days I just want to punish myself...
I feel selfish for being hurt by these things...
And yet I fail at that too
I have never been able to cut myself successfully...

And then I am left with less then nothing...
I can't even punish myself properly
I can never do anything right...

And yet whenever I get upset
I always seem to be the one in the wrong
Why is it always me that is the one left apologizing?

It's why I want to sink into oblivion all the time...
;____;

The Story Continues

Here I am believing my father...
I am thinking how can my guildmates be such asses :(
I was thinking where did I go wrong?!
How could my guild be full of jerks ;___;
It was feeding into my doubts that I already had. I also was really tired.
I was suffering from headaches all the time, and I couldn't deal with the responsibilities of guild
leader.
This just made me feel worse....
So in the early morning hours, when none of my guildmembers were on, I disbanded the guild...
I gave no warning, nothing....
To this day I feel bad about that, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I had just kept my core members...
The ones that were good to me...
*sigh*
Oh well too late for that...
But my actions had their consequences...
I had to explain to my guildmembers why I did what I did, and that it wasn't anything that they
could have done...
They can't help my insecurities and my inability to take care of them :(
I had a falling out with a close friend around this time too
It really hurt, but it was my own need to talk about my problems that caused it :(
the sad part is my friend was just trying to help me and I shit on him for him :(
I am lucky now that we talk a bit still, but not like we used to
I do hope that he continues to do well ^__^

So I ran around guildless for a day or two.
I had guild overs from friends and friends of friends ^_^
I really felt complimented by these ppl, they were just looking out for me ^_^
An old ally finally caught me into his guild ^_^
I partied with him all the time and he took in a good friend ^_^
Taking my friend in was what got me XD
I am happy to this day that it happened ^___^
I was in a guild of mostly adults
The one I had made had a lot of younger ppl
The youngest being 9 O.o
Man that part was scary
So I had always watched my language and what I talked about
I felt very good about it
And loosened up after a while
I was able to joke with some of them about different ADULT things :P
Nothing out there but silly things
Things weren't that stable in Black Sun though
The leader, like me, had his doubts
he worried that he sucked as a guild leader and that ppl didn't like him
He was a good guild leader, I still think that and when he makes a new guild I will be there for him
He just happened to be the tough love kinda leader XD

OMG got sidetracked by the story and lost the main point XD
Anyways, I join this guild, and my dad wants to join it too
He parties with Black and tells me "Black gets it"
"His guild is with it"
All sorts of stuff about how a guild should say hi and help each other
All the things that my guild wasn't...
Well he joins >.>
And I have NO clue what it is he wants but whatever it was Black Sun wasn't giving it to him >.>
He started complaining within days
They were never talking to him, they never helped him, they are just using me, no one helps lvl anyone
HE never asked anyone for anything
HE never talked to ppl
HE would log in and say nothing
HE never asked for groups
He thought that everyone should just ask him
He also just ASSUMED that ppl weren't helping each other
Most ppl just wanted to be left alone, or already had help
And getting help from my dad is a death warrant
You help him, then you OWE him :P
Another thing too, ppl offered to group, offered to help
He ALWAYS turned it down, he likes to play the victim :P
then he could Woes Is ME about no one helping him

It took being in Black Sun to realize my dad's bull shit
It gave me a head ache and made me unhappy
He would say that ppl should be treating me better, that they should do this and that
Basically "WORSHIP THE FS"
lol
the saddest part is, he treats me the worst out of everyone
Everything that happened, with all the ppl in the guild
Was my choice, I didn't feel like grouping, and I didn't care if I didn't get exp when I went to Niff
who the F-cks place is it to say whether I want to go :P
I love going there, Black gives me the chance to go and have fun
And it is my choice what I feel used about or not :P

So he bitches and complains, and finally leaves.
It was such a relief...
The dumb part was he told me to tell them all sorts of bad things when he left
He told me to tell them that they were users
That the guild was a parasyte :P
That it wasn't a real guild and that it wouldn't last
Stuff like that :P
Then he was "DUMBFOUNDED" that they didn't want him back :P
I mean HELLO, what do you expect?
The guilds here aren't dumb!
They are desperate either!
They don't want someone who
A. Insulted them
B. Hates The guild
and C. Complains all the time

Being in Black Sun with my father, it made me realize something
that he was the biggest bitch I had ever met :P
I mean I don't think EMOS complain that much, >.<;;
Man thinking about it gives me a head ache

I knew it was coming as soon as he PMs me
The "List" of complaints:
-The game is a POS (that means Piece of Shit, took me a while to get that one, I thought it meant an out dated operating system, but I gave my dad too much credit)
- Why can't I hit it before it hits me
- The skills aren't working (By the way, everyone else in the game can use them just fine, it just seems he has a retardation gene that causes him to not target properly or use skills properly :P)
- No one talks to him
- No one wants to group with him (Now I know these two are BS, he just likes to play the victim, and he turns down group offers. He also has no friends, why you ask? BECAUSE he won't do anything for you unless he knows you can do something for him, or have done something for him :P
-I never talk to him (Half true, sometimes I am some where where I can't talk, that if I did, I would die and I need to concentrate. At this point I am talking to no one :P So there)
- I never group with him (This is HALF true too. I try to PM him when I go on. He changes his characters so often that I don't know half of them :P He also isn't on all the time. So he can't blame me that I come on try to find him, don't SO group with someone else :P Like WOW what a concept?!
pfft
The worst is he always acts like I'm lying!!!!
That pisses me right the fuck off to!
Makes me clench my jaws thinking about it >.<;;
Damn he is SUCH a bitch!

My First Posting

Ok Wow, this is weird O.o
I've never made a blog before ....
A Friend suggested it after my father did ANOTHER retarded thing >.>

Ok so umm...
Here I go :P

I like to play an online game, Ragnarok Online ^_^
It's a sweet game, I love it so much ^_^
I just start to play it on February 2006, and I was really lucky, cause I happened to pick the
newest and smallest server to start on ^_^
So most of the ppl on it are really laid back and helpful
So here I am making friends online, enjoying myself ^_^
And my dad moves back to the area ^_^
I was thinking. "Sweet! We can have more father-daughter time" ^_^
We haven't really had that in a while XD
So here I am telling him about the game, about how much I love it, and I am running a guild, and
I have ALL these new friends ^_^
So I convince him to stop playing World of Warcraft and get him to down grade to iRO
The fact that he did it should have been a clue >.>;;

Anyways, he starts to play.
He looks up all of these faqs on how to build his characters, and it's all he can talk about...
I'm thinking "Well he just started, this is normal" ^_^
But then he starts DEMANDING I look up character builds so I can discuss the build with him
properly >.>;;
I was like WTF, I am too tired to read about some character that I'M NOT BUILDING :P
Little did I know this was the beginning of the end ^^;;

So first my dad starts a girl account. (For those not versed in RO you have to say whether you are a guy or a girl when you first register your account, MOST ppl say what they really are. And those that don't i.e. Guy playing a girl char, or a girl playing a guy char, these ppl don't usually share that information. Why? Cause all the other players would think you are a freak. So most players that do do that only tell a few trusted friends ^_^

Any hoo I digress ^_^
the BEGINNING of the END :P
So he starts to play as a girl, and asks me not to tell anyone :P
lol, not that I do, SUCH a gossip :P
Well I wasn't that bad :P
I only told some of my trusted guild members, the ones I knew would be good about it
So he joins, I think every thing is all good
My dad starts to tell me about how everyone in the guild ignores him, and how no one will help him
He's my dad, and my guild members were friends from over the internet.
I was thinking "Why would my dad lie about this?"
And "How could my friends be so rude to other ppl in the guild?"
Man did I ever wrong my friends....
I didn't even learn the truth till it was too late for that guild...